1. Either block or unfriend him on Facebook, because that shit will be the death of you. Maybe you assume you are a reasonable and mature lady-human who can handle seeing the occasional reminder of him on your Facebook timeline. You’re both grown-ups, right! What’s a little “David’s Birthday Bar Crawl!” action popping up on your feed? Noooo. There will be a really pretty redhead in his arms in every picture, and you will feel like you want to jump into Buffalo Bill’s abandoned well girl-trap in Silence of The Lambs
2. Don’t immediately suggest to “stay friends” — and if he does, tell him you need to think about it. This is an impulse because you don’t want to seem like you care too much about the breakup. Because you’re so chill. You’re so chill that your heart isn’t beating. And, you’re dead. But truthfully, during this stilted, awkward breaking-up period, it’s hard to tell whether you’ll be able to be friends or not. Generally, one person wants to be friends and the other wants to be more. Gotta work that shit out before it can be a healthy friendship … if it ever can be. You’re not admitting defeat by not staying friends with him.
3. If you feel an impulse to get drunk alone, call some friends instead. It’s the worst being alone and sad and drunk. When you’ve just broken up with someone, you get all nihilistic, and because there is probably not a Hot Topic near you to get some KoRn CDs, you get too hammered to see and wind up hooking up with a 50-year-old married man with a ponytail in a bar bathroom. At least be sad with people you love! We’ve all been heartbroken — it’s not like they’ll judge you for drinking wine with dirty hair, in Family Guy pajamas.
4. If you want to drunk-text, get your friend to take your phone away or throw it in a volcano. Oh, the number of times I have drunk-texted something cryptic to an ex at 2 a.m. and assumed if he texts back, he still has feelings for me. Drunk-texting an ex is a two-steps-forward-one-step-back slide down the rabbit hole. Him replying, “nothing,” to your booze-fueled, “sup,” does not mean you’ll have a spring wedding.
5. Begin some kind of intense, rage-based workout routine. Maybe this isn’t a good time for yoga! Maybe it’s a good time for something new, like kickboxing. Really get some of that negative stuff out.
6. Spend a lot of time outside. It’s a cliché, but fresh air really does clear your head. So does, you know, seeing the sun every once in a while. Take at least two hours from each day just to leave your Cave of Forgotten Dreams and interact with The Outside.
7. Rebound with one incredibly hot guy, if that’s what you want, and then give yourself some time to decompress and remember who you are. Go out and get yourself some strange from a guy who is either a King of Leon or just has dirty hair. It’s hard to tell the difference. But then slow down and be low-key for a while. If you’ve had one rebound, you’ve had them all, in this woman’s opinion.
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